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Saturday, August 28, 2010

Thoughts of an Adolescent - '08

Its weird how growing up you think back more and more and you miss the past rather than look forward to the future. For example, my friends and i all whipped out our old Pokemon games just to experience that childish obsession again. ha ha. As well as all our desire to go back into elementary school because of its easy, ignorant, childish point of view full of innocence. I guess we miss it sometimes because we cant handle life now or because we remember how easy and fun it was almost no stress. (this just in my opinion if you feel like bashing my opinion go have an unhappy childhood ha ha just kidding).

But Lately I've been thinking of my memories in elementary school, though a few years of those memories were of my parents fighting in the house over stupid and serious shit, later resulting in a separation then a divorce. It still was fond memories, memories i miss. Like the time my parents fought for hours on end, and i sat at the balcony of the staircase with my feet dangling between the banister columns and I'm just balling my eyes out cause i cant stand the fighting. My sister pretty much made my day by getting me out of the house, and walking our dog with me for like an hour or two. Than when we got back, more fighting, but we just took Cassie (our dog) and went in my room and watched two movies: beauty and the beast, and mirror has two faces. Though it seems rather childish to remember this and things. Its the most closest memory to my heart of my sister and i miss how my sisters always cheered me up or were there for me. (I was in 6th grade).

Though we live our lives now we end up missing what our lives used to be...but only somethings not all.

For me, As i want to go to college and get a good job and such. The anxiety of going to college is making me miss my friends, and sisters more than ever. Though for my sisters I'm actually moving closer to them than i am now, but the thought of "being on my own" doesn't thrill me, i cant be left alone. I live off of people's company. if you know me you should know that about me.

And knowing I am going to graduate and leave all my friends it depresses me because this group of friends means so much to me they don't even know how much. Whenever i think about graduation i get happy and sad. The sad part about it they seem to be like "Oh anon don't be such a baby you'll see us again" and "graduation is good don't feel bad or w.e" its stuff like that that i know sometimes they don't know how i feel. I love them so much. I rarely have close people to me, like to my heart. The only people truly close to my heart are my sisters and my father and mother. The friends i thought were close to me in the states aren't as much as i thought, and i lost contact with most of them and that made me disappointed.

The fact that I'm sad with graduating is because We may think we will see each other again and that we'll keep in contact and things. But I don't want to sound pessimistic but its the truth no matter how hard any of us try we will begin new lives and meet new people and end up losing contact with each other and that's what depresses me because my friends here mean so much to me i sometimes want to cry. They've helped me through most of my tough times, considering I've been through 2-3 years with these fools. And if any of them think i take their friendship for granted are fucking stupid. because i never want to lose contact or relations with them.

Going to Spain in the summer, is something i want to do so badly. But 95% chance i cant go. but I'm trying my hardest to make it a 94% just so i have a better chance to go. Because if i don't have that summer, that official party/good bye i might not see you all ever again. Even if i come back in winter, will we be tired of each other? will we have gained new friends and don't think of each other the same? I know i wont. But seeing every high school friendships like groups pretty much disperse and end and lose contact like 99% of them. It makes me not want to end high school. I love my friends.

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